Thursday, September 7, 2017

An Open Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend




Thanks to you, my ex, I now know what true love is. Not because you showed me but rather because you showed me exactly what it is not.

When my heart longed to be loved, you told me you were too busy. 
When I needed a hug, you shoved me away to finish your video game. 
When I needed to hear that someone loved me, you merely muttered the words with no meaning.
When I told you how my feelings hurt inside, you mocked me and laughed.  
When I smiled, you told me I was too happy.
When I giggled, you told me to be quiet.
When I told you you were everything to me, you took it as permission to control my every action.
When I needed encouragement, you told me I was fat and needed to go to the gym. 
When I wanted to say no, you brought me flowers and wrote me a cute note to convince me to say the opposite.
When I thought the words "you're beautiful" coming out of your mouth were from your heart, it was lustful.
When you invited me out, it's because you're other plans were canceled. 
You told me I was the only one in your life, but you had someone else of interest, and, in one instance, a fiance.
You told me you loved me when you don't even know what love is yourself. 
When you told me to have a goodnight, I fell asleep in tears.
When you hugged me, you didn't realize I was I crying on your shoulder because you caused my heart pain.
And, ultimately, when I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart.
Then, when I finally gained the strength to break up with you, you told me no other guy was ever going to love me because I was not lovable in my circumstance.
When I said, "God Bless", you cursed me and told me God is dead and to go to hell.
When I told you that we were never good for each other, you said "Whatever you say". You are so blinded you can't even tell truth apart from the lies that you are living.

You are manipulative selfish, conceited, controlling, lustful, and everything opposite of what you told me you were. 
And these are just a few instances how you showed me exactly what love is not.

I had to find out the hard way, the decisions I made from day one of talking to you were a mistake but it doesn't stop here on a bad note because you were a lesson, a reason, and a plan.

And what reason, plan, and lesson am I talking about?
Because I went through those things with you, I now know what actual love is. It's not a feeling but rather everything opposite. It is a CHOICE. 
My grandpa has always told me that you make decisions first than the feelings comes afterwards but never the other way around. If it is the other way around, you need to run and run as far away from it as you can.

In saying all this, though it may sound like it, I am NOT the victim. Why? Because I chose each day to involve myself with you. I could have run from day one but I didn't. I did in the end, but everyday leading up to that, I put myself through much more pain than I really needed to. 

I don't regret you simply because I learned things I probably wouldn't know if it weren't with you at some point. But, with that being said, I wish I could have learned those lessons without you ever having to be in my life. 
You were never good for me and I probably still wouldn't be over you, to this day, if it weren't for Jesus. 
Jesus has mended my heart, tied my soul back together, and kissed my wounds. He has performed a miracle on my heart and in my life.
Thank God for taking a bad situation and teaching me a lesson and using it to positively influence my life today.

Now, I have found God and, in doing so, I have also found happiness, and I have found true love. 
I hope that one day, you can find the same and that you allow God to make the necessary changes in your heart in order for you to find him, to find love, and to find true happiness.

 My Ex-Boyfriend, you all know you who are, I want you to know that I no longer think of you romantically,  I have no desire to be around you, and no longer want to have anything to do with you. If and when I do think about you, the only thing I can bring myself to do is pray. 
And, in saying that, I want to end this with a song that couldn't explain this any better. 

Farewell my ex's, farewell from today 'till forever.


                                        
                                         Kesha - Praying

[Verse 1]

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Oh, sometimes I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

[Chorus]
I hope you're somewhere prayin’, prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'


I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'






Wednesday, May 31, 2017

No Longer the Side Chick

I really don't know where to begin as there is a lot on my mind.


For one, I'm overwhelmed. No, I'm exhausted...I'm tired.


I'm tired of being tugged and pulled in every direction and my emotions consumed by those around me. I feel taken advantage of, not appreciated for who I am, belittled, and forgotten about.


At this point, I feel so many things that it seems I am emotionally shutting down.


It feels good one day, the next it hurts. Then the very next day, I am confused as to what I am feeling or rather what I should be feeling. I really don't know what I should be doing and if the things I do are effecting the way I am feeling. What could I potentially be doing to relief some of this confusion?


Should I wait? Should I put my entire life aside for them? Should I wait with no guarantee in the end that will make my time waiting all worth it? Time is ticking by and I don't want to waste my life away emotionally investing myself into someone I don't end up with in the end.




Ultimately, I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, canceled plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice.


To anyone in my life currently, it is because I WANT you to be. Not because I need you but rather because I love you, care about you, and, for the most part, because I feel you make my life better in some way or another.


I'm sad at the moment. I have been for a while now but I'm hoping that will change soon. I don't believe it will be too difficult to relief some of this stress but, at the same time, I also don't necessarily see an end to it anytime soon as I'm not completely sure of how to change it.


Recently, I've been processing my emotions - letting them settle in but now, I am venting and being real - letting my emotions come to the light and be seen.
   As I process what's going on, I've come to realize that by being the side chick, I've been putting myself front and center in someone else's pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.




Coming to this realization, I have wondered if I'm the only one but I know I'm not because Jesus walked the earth as a man and had every single emotion there is to feel.
  To think of all the times, all the places he's been, and of all the things he did of the course of his time on earth....I cannot begin to imagine how many times he put in everything he had mentally, emotionally, physically, and whole heartedly and not recognized for it.


He's almighty, All Powerful, Magnificent, King of all Kings, Healer, and the Reason we are alive today, and yet, He is still rejected, cursed, belittled, shoved down, and taken advantage of each and every waking day.


In that simple thought, I know that I am not alone nor have I ever been alone. And neither are you.


With Jesus, my feelings of  "I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, side plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice" becomes something completely different.


With Jesus you will never be his sideline, his "side chick", his side friend, his side plan, or his fail safe. You will never be his second choice. Jesus is your best friend. Jesus is your number one and you, YES YOU,  are His number one.


Love and best wishes,











Monday, April 24, 2017

Nightmare Made Into Reality

    It was a dark night, not just dark skies but there was a spirit of darkness...or rather, fear.
I like to explain it as playing laser tag out in the woods. 
    It was dark, a little scary as I could hear the wind as it makes it sound by it's rustle of the trees. Each step I took there was a crunch beneath my feet and I slow my breathing trying to conceal it's sound in order to capture my prey.
     I giggled and slipped a screech as my friend came up behind me joining me in my hiding spot. I then take off running, with a skip of joy, as I spotted my opponent but, before I could hide, it happened.

Boom. 

Before I knew what was happening, I flew back as a gunshot hit me straight to the forehead.

<PAUSE>
Before I continue, I want to introduce this quote that explains everything.
"Nothing is as bad as it seems at the time nor is nothing as good as it seems." 

Okay, Back the story.

 <CONTINUED>
I really don't know how to explain it - It hurt like hell but yet I somehow managed the strength to get on my feet and walk to the nearest emergency kit. I walked in, pulled out the First Aid Kit, but for some reason instead of digging further, I was compelled to look in the mirror.

It...really wasn't THAT bad.

So, being as stubborn as I always have been, I take one last glance at it, wipe away my tears and continue on with my evening.

I'm spending my time with the ones I love. My family and a few certain coworkers who have become friends of mine.

Here I go, some call me crazy, others call me insane and yet others tell me I'm stupid for my choices.
That doesn't stop me though.

I hopped up and ran out of that house and continued on with my evening playing laser tag.

It was a dark night, not just dark skies but there was a spirit of darkness...or rather, fear.
I like to explain it as playing laser tag out in the woods. It was dark, a little scary as I could hear the wind as it makes it sound by it's rustle of the trees. Each step I took there was a crunch beneath my....

<PAUSE> 
Sound Familiar? You're not tripping - just bear with me.

<CONTINUED>
....feet and I slow my breathing trying to conceal it's sound in order to capture my prey.
I giggled and slipped a screech as my friend came up behind me joining me in my hiding spot.
I then take off running with a skip of happiness as I spotted my opponent but before I could hide then it happened.

Boom. 

Before I knew what was happening, I flew back as a gunshot hit me straight to the forehead.
I really don't know how to explain it - It hurt like hell - well, actually, not so much this time.
Although, I knew I was injured so I went inside to check out my injuries. This time, instead of the first aid kit, I went straight to the mirror.

I was still me. I had a hole in my head but that was it. I still had my sparkling eyes, my smile, the love that filled my heart, and best yet...I still had hope and strength,

It...really wasn't THAT bad. It actually hurt less this time because I knew that I had been through it once, now twice, and yet I am still okay!

You know what I did?

That's right, I got back up and did it again. You know why? When life closes a door, you don't give up, you keep on knocking!

Life is full of opportunities, lessons, and best yet, God's plan for me and my life! 

God isn't torturing you when he allows life to give you a "gunshot" to the head. It's more or less, a lesson to learn and to grow from, ultimately, allowing you to become you are meant to be.

Keep fighting. Don't give up.


 




Sunday, March 12, 2017

Conquering My Food Addiction

      Growing up, I don't think I knew it for myself being I was still a young kid yet, but I had a hardcore eating disorder.
From the earliest of my childhood memories I can remember, I loved food. No, I mean like, REALLY loved food.
I would have second helping every meal I could, I would have snacks throughout the day as well.
Then, when we were put to bed at night, I would stay awake until my parents went to bed and I could sneak into the pantry and grab some Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Cheez-Its, or any other snacks there were. I wouldn't just grab one either, I would grab a handful.

I was 10 years old and considered obese.

 

   Fast forward into the years, 20 years old, living on my own, and struggling more than ever.
Not just with food but with my health.

For 7 months, I have gone to the doctor anywhere from 2 times to 4 times a week. I have chronic nausea, chronic migraines, I am sick 24/7, along with rapid weight gain that no doctor could explain.

Well, one thing is for sure...I hate myself. When I look in the mirror, I hate everything I see. I have gained 40 pounds, 3 pant sizes, 2 shirt sizes, and my acne is out of control.
  
   There's so many times, I find myself eating when I'm not even hungry. Then getting up and dishing myself another over-portioned helping. I'm not hungry but it doesn't matter. I eat when I'm sad, angry, happy, depressed and all the in-between. Food is my answer to everything. Food is my comfort.
     Today is the day I decide this is not me nor who I want to be. I no longer want to look in the mirror and hate my image.

Food is my best friend but I'm 20 years old with a "friendly" addiction that is destroying me deep down inside.



   Fast forward two months to TODAY...

It's March 12th, 2017; 3 in the morning.

Two months ago, I changed my entire diet simply because I was fed up with my image.
I completely cut out Sugar and most Carbs. I am down 20 Pounds, a pant size, as well as a shirt size.
AND I NO LONGER HAVE HEALTH ISSUES!! I haven't seen the doctor even once since I began eating different and I have more energy than ever before. Not to mention - My eating disorder.....GONE.

I have CONQUERED not just one but several personal addictions as I have learned what it means to respect yourself, have self control, and know what you are worth!


     The last 2 months I have learned more about myself then I have in many years combined. I have learned how my relationship with food has held be back from so many thing throughout the years not to mention how rough it can be when you sweep your issues under the rug and ignore them.

Before you argue that I'm going to begin back at square one....This isn't a diet. This...is a way of Life. Why? Because I am more confident than I have ever been! I now have control, I have hope, and i can see the progress I have made not just my physical health but with my whole being involving my emotions and my mentality as well.

I am going to wrap this up with a verse straight from the Word.
 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."m going to wrap this up with a quote straight from the Word."
For years, I tried many different diets, many different techniques, and even working out but until I really really wanted to change - nothing ever changed. Not until I had the WILL to do what it took to truly conquer everything that was going on inside of me and ripping it up from the roots of my insecurities.

I will forever give God the credit for the strength He has given me to conquer not just my eating disorder but all the other addictions in my past as well as addictions usually intertwine with eachother.

At this moment, I still have 30 pounds to go. As I plan to lose another 2-3 pant sizes and shirt size as well - Life is a work in progress.


This is my testimony.