I really don't know where to begin as there is a lot on my mind.
For one, I'm overwhelmed. No, I'm exhausted...I'm tired.
I'm tired of being tugged and pulled in every direction and my emotions consumed by those around me. I feel taken advantage of, not appreciated for who I am, belittled, and forgotten about.
At this point, I feel so many things that it seems I am emotionally shutting down.
It feels good one day, the next it hurts. Then the very next day, I am confused as to what I am feeling or rather what I should be feeling. I really don't know what I should be doing and if the things I do are effecting the way I am feeling. What could I potentially be doing to relief some of this confusion?
Should I wait? Should I put my entire life aside for them? Should I wait with no guarantee in the end that will make my time waiting all worth it? Time is ticking by and I don't want to waste my life away emotionally investing myself into someone I don't end up with in the end.
Ultimately, I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, canceled plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice.
To anyone in my life currently, it is because I WANT you to be. Not because I need you but rather because I love you, care about you, and, for the most part, because I feel you make my life better in some way or another.
I'm sad at the moment. I have been for a while now but I'm hoping that will change soon. I don't believe it will be too difficult to relief some of this stress but, at the same time, I also don't necessarily see an end to it anytime soon as I'm not completely sure of how to change it.
Recently, I've been processing my emotions - letting them settle in but now, I am venting and being real - letting my emotions come to the light and be seen.
As I process what's going on, I've come to realize that by being the side chick, I've been putting myself front and center in someone else's pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.
Coming to this realization, I have wondered if I'm the only one but I know I'm not because Jesus walked the earth as a man and had every single emotion there is to feel.
To think of all the times, all the places he's been, and of all the things he did of the course of his time on earth....I cannot begin to imagine how many times he put in everything he had mentally, emotionally, physically, and whole heartedly and not recognized for it.
He's almighty, All Powerful, Magnificent, King of all Kings, Healer, and the Reason we are alive today, and yet, He is still rejected, cursed, belittled, shoved down, and taken advantage of each and every waking day.
In that simple thought, I know that I am not alone nor have I ever been alone. And neither are you.
With Jesus, my feelings of "I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, side plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice" becomes something completely different.
With Jesus you will never be his sideline, his "side chick", his side friend, his side plan, or his fail safe. You will never be his second choice. Jesus is your best friend. Jesus is your number one and you, YES YOU, are His number one.
Love and best wishes,