What a Life to Love: September 2017

Thanks to you, my ex, I now know what true love is. Not because you showed me but rather because you showed me exactly what it is not.

When my heart longed to be loved, you told me you were too busy.

When I needed a hug, you shoved me away to finish your video game.
When I needed to hear that someone loved me, you merely muttered the words with no meaning.

When I told you how my feelings hurt inside, you mocked me and laughed.

When I smiled, you told me I was too happy.

When I giggled, you told me to be quiet.

When I told you you were everything to me, you took it as permission to control my every action.

When I needed encouragement, you told me I was fat and needed to go to the gym.

When I wanted to say no, you brought me flowers and wrote me a cute note to convince me to say the opposite.

When I thought the words "you're beautiful" coming out of your mouth were from your heart, it was lustful.

When you invited me out, it's because you're other plans were canceled.

You told me I was the only one in your life, but you had someone else of interest, and, in one instance, a fiance.

You told me you loved me when you don't even know what love is yourself.

When you told me to have a goodnight, I fell asleep in tears.

When you hugged me, you didn't realize I was I crying on your shoulder because you caused my heart pain.

When my father was on his death bed and I needed your support, you told me you had no time of day for us.

When I asked you to be honest, you wouldn’t tell me what bothered you until we were 5 months in. Then, at that point, it was all complaint and no action or want to fix it.

When you told me not to worry about her, I found out myself that she was receiving the “hey beautiful” messages I never got.

You used me to take care of your daughter who called me mom because it was “convenient”.

And, ultimately, when I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart.

Then, when I finally gained the strength to break up with you, you told me no other guy was ever going to love me because I was not lovable in my circumstance.
When I said, "God Bless", you cursed me and told me God is dead and to go to hell.
When I told you that we were never good for each other, you said "Whatever you say". You are so blinded you can't even tell truth apart from the lies that you are living.

You are manipulative selfish, conceited, controlling, lustful, and everything opposite of what you told me you were.

And these are just a few instances how you showed me exactly what love is not.

I had to find out the hard way, the decisions I made from day one of talking to you were a mistake but it doesn't stop here on a bad note because you were a lesson, a reason, and a plan.

And what reason, plan, and lesson am I talking about?

Because I went through those things with you, I now know what actual love is. It's not a feeling but rather everything opposite. It is a CHOICE.

My grandpa has always told me that you make decisions first than the feelings comes afterwards but never the other way around. If it is the other way around, you need to run and run as far away from it as you can.

In saying all this, though it may sound like it, I am NOT the victim. Why? Because I chose each day to involve myself with you. I could have run from day one but I didn't. I did in the end, but everyday leading up to that, I put myself through much more pain than I really needed to.

I don't regret you simply because I learned things I probably wouldn't know if it weren't with you at some point. But, with that being said, I wish I could have learned those lessons without you ever having to be in my life.
You were never good for me and I probably still wouldn't be over you, to this day, if it weren't for Jesus.
Jesus has mended my heart, tied my soul back together, and kissed my wounds. He has performed a miracle on my heart and in my life.

Thank God for taking a bad situation and teaching me a lesson and using it to positively influence my life today.

Now, I have found God and, in doing so, I have also found happiness, and I have found true love.

I hope that one day, you can find the same and that you allow God to make the necessary changes in your heart in order for you to find him, to find love, and to find true happiness.

My Ex-Boyfriend, you all know you who are, I want you to know that I no longer think of you romantically, I have no desire to be around you, and no longer want to have anything to do with you. If and when I do think about you, the only thing I can bring myself to do is pray.

And, in saying that, I want to end this with a song that couldn't explain this any better.

Farewell my ex's, farewell from today 'till forever.