Something Real

Your smile drew me in before I could blink.

You held my hand when I was scared.

You were patient, oh, so patient.

You didn’t wipe my tears, instead you cried too.

You were my best friend and soon you told me I was your future.

Because of you, I have hope a real man exists. Because of you, I realize how much I am worth. 

Because of you, I smile. 

Because of you, I thank God for us.

You take my hand and barrel roll as my dress twirls all night. 

Your smile and my smile is more than any happiness I’ve ever seen.

We try to do our best as God leads.

You shower me with kisses, we share our daily devotion notes, your smile brightens the room, and your jokes hurt my stomach as we laugh with no end.

It’s now the first day of Fall we had planned to spend together but you arrived completely distanced and different. 

You asked why I was crying. You told me You weren’t going anywhere but deep down I knew something had changed. That’s the day I knew it was all ending.

Only a week later those feelings became reality.

No explanation, no reason, no logic. Just done.

You were there, then you weren’t. You needed me, then you didn’t. You loved me, then not so much.

No time went by as your name became non-existent on social media and pictures of you and me became just a black screen.

Months later you came back around. You leaned your head on my shoulder, your coat covered me when I was cold, and you hugged me so tight as if you regretted ever letting me go. You told me you missed me and you’re so glad I’m by your side again.

Then it all happened again. You distance yourself and don’t reply as if you never cared about me.

Because of you, I’m skeptical of love. Because of you, my trust is broken. Because of you, it will take more than time itself to heal. Because of you, I doubt what Real is. 

Is Real something that lasts now and forever, or just for a while?

Don’t string me along. Don’t hurt me any longer. Your doings have hurt me more than any man on this earth. 

I hope you understand I just need to get these things off my aching chest. I’m letting go because I deserve more than to just sit and wait for this to come back. I deserve more than to continue sitting here in my tears and pain.  I’m upset that you ruined me. You treated me better than any man has ever treated me yet hurt me more than any person ever has. How can that be? 

I hope and plead to my God that these are my last tears over you. 

If I could say one thing to you, only one thing, I want you to know that all I ever want is an apology. A sincere apology for the tears you caused, the confusion for stringing me along, and for ever getting close to me when that isn’t what you were ready for, nor what you wanted. In the same breath, I will thank you for treating me well while you had me. I sincerely hope you find who you are as a person and can treat your next girl even better than you treated me but, also, unlike you did with me, never let her go because she deserves someone real forever, not just for a short time.

To sums this up, I’m going to end with a couple songs that, I admit, I have listened to on repeat for hours on end as it has allowed me relate my feelings, my confusion, my hurt, and everything else this heart of mine has yearned to express.

Sincerely,
The Girl Next Door

Jesus. This is all yours now. This pain, this confusion, these memories (good and bad), all of it is yours. Please do miracles and healing and work through me as I continue to move on. Amen.