Will

Dearest Will,

There are so many what-ifs and things I wish I had or hadn’t done or said but today is all about focusing on the positive things that I remember about you.

You were one of my biggest supporters.

Anytime I would post a reel or live video, you would tell me how it inspired you to do things out of your comfort zone. 

You always understood when I had time set aside for my business and were always so patient with that and even encouraged me to do more, work more, and hustle harder.

When I had a rough day, you would be the first one who would offer to drop everything and be there for me. 

You held my hair as I vomited then made me toast to eat even when you were sick too.

You always apologized when you were in the wrong and always strived to make amends as soon as possible. 

You were never too busy for me.

A time I will never forget is when you cried on my shoulder about life, the things you regret or wish you had done differently - you were always transparent with me from the very first day we met but it wasn’t often that you broke down completely because you were always so busy fighting to help others through their pain.

One of my favorite memories is when you came over to meet a friend of mine and as soon as you walked in the door, you held up a bag of cookies and proudly announced, very loudly, “I brought cookies!!” only to continue with, “but they’re mine…I didn’t bring them to share.” We laughed so hard. 

You had so many of your own demons but always prioritized fighting other people’s demons before your own because you hated to see others in pain. In the end, you lost your battle with mental illness and addiction but you put up one hell of a fight. 

When I bring out the trash, walk to my car, leave or come home from work, or even walk to my mailbox, you are the very first thing I think about. 

I sure do miss you living next door, that you were only a minute walk away, and always being there for me. I wish I could have been there for you like you needed in the end as well.

I am so sorry as you were so young, had so much already going for you, and you made such an impact on people within only moments of meeting them, and always wanted more for your life and others. 

I am also so grateful because you are in a much happier place and I will see you again. 

You knew how to make each moment count and told me you loved me before you passed away - I missed my chance to tell you this in person for you to hear but I love you too. I really do.

Sincerely,

The Girl Next Door (literally)

If you are struggling with addiction, depression, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to me. I am here for you and so many others are too. For the National Suicide Hotline: Text or call 988

An Open Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend

Thanks to you, my ex, I now know what true love is. Not because you showed me but rather because you showed me exactly what it is not.

When my heart longed to be loved, you told me you were too busy. 

When I needed a hug, you shoved me away to finish your video game. 
When I needed to hear that someone loved me, you merely muttered the words with no meaning.

When I told you how my feelings hurt inside, you mocked me and laughed.  

When I smiled, you told me I was too happy.

When I giggled, you told me to be quiet.

When I told you you were everything to me, you took it as permission to control my every action.

When I needed encouragement, you told me I was fat and needed to go to the gym. 

When I wanted to say no, you brought me flowers and wrote me a cute note to convince me to say the opposite.

When I thought the words "you're beautiful" coming out of your mouth were from your heart, it was lustful.

When you invited me out, it's because you're other plans were canceled. 

You told me I was the only one in your life, but you had someone else of interest, and, in one instance, a fiance.

You told me you loved me when you don't even know what love is yourself. 

When you told me to have a goodnight, I fell asleep in tears.

When you hugged me, you didn't realize I was I crying on your shoulder because you caused my heart pain.

When my father was on his death bed and I needed your support, you told me you had no time of day for us. 

When I asked you to be honest, you wouldn’t tell me what bothered you until we were 5 months in. Then, at that point, it was all complaint and no action or want to fix it. 

When you told me not to worry about her,  I found out myself that she was receiving  the “hey beautiful” messages I never got. 

You used me to take care of your daughter who called me mom because it was “convenient”. 

And, ultimately, when I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart.

Then, when I finally gained the strength to break up with you, you told me no other guy was ever going to love me because I was not lovable in my circumstance.
When I said, "God Bless", you cursed me and told me God is dead and to go to hell.
When I told you that we were never good for each other, you said "Whatever you say". You are so blinded you can't even tell truth apart from the lies that you are living.

You are manipulative selfish, conceited, controlling, lustful, and everything opposite of what you told me you were. 

And these are just a few instances how you showed me exactly what love is not.

I had to find out the hard way, the decisions I made from day one of talking to you were a mistake but it doesn't stop here on a bad note because you were a lesson, a reason, and a plan.

And what reason, plan, and lesson am I talking about?

Because I went through those things with you, I now know what actual love is. It's not a feeling but rather everything opposite. It is a CHOICE. 

My grandpa has always told me that you make decisions first than the feelings comes afterwards but never the other way around. If it is the other way around, you need to run and run as far away from it as you can.

In saying all this, though it may sound like it, I am NOT the victim. Why? Because I chose each day to involve myself with you. I could have run from day one but I didn't. I did in the end, but everyday leading up to that, I put myself through much more pain than I really needed to. 

I don't regret you simply because I learned things I probably wouldn't know if it weren't with you at some point. But, with that being said, I wish I could have learned those lessons without you ever having to be in my life. 
You were never good for me and I probably still wouldn't be over you, to this day, if it weren't for Jesus. 
Jesus has mended my heart, tied my soul back together, and kissed my wounds. He has performed a miracle on my heart and in my life.

Thank God for taking a bad situation and teaching me a lesson and using it to positively influence my life today.

Now, I have found God and, in doing so, I have also found happiness, and I have found true love. 

I hope that one day, you can find the same and that you allow God to make the necessary changes in your heart in order for you to find him, to find love, and to find true happiness.

 My Ex-Boyfriend, you all know you who are, I want you to know that I no longer think of you romantically,  I have no desire to be around you, and no longer want to have anything to do with you. If and when I do think about you, the only thing I can bring myself to do is pray. 

And, in saying that, I want to end this with a song that couldn't explain this any better. 

Farewell my ex's, farewell from today 'till forever.

                                        

                                         Kesha - Praying

[Verse 1]

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you've done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

[Pre-Chorus]

’Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

[Chorus]

I hope you're somewhere prayin’, prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

[Verse 2]

I'm proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
'Cause I can make it on my own
And I don't need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh-oh

When I’m finished, they won't even know your name

[Pre-Chorus]

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is I wish you farewell

[Chorus]

I hope you're somewhere prayin’, prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

[Bridge]

Oh, sometimes I pray for you at night

Someday, maybe you'll see the light

Oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give

But some things only God can forgive

[Chorus]

I hope you're somewhere prayin’, prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

Believe In Yourself Not Your Circumstance

You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.
No, seriously, God made us the way he wants us to be and there could never be a more beautiful you.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "You don't understand, I am overweight/underweight, and I'm nothing close to being a Hollister model or on the cover of a magazine." or so on.
Before you go on,...stop. Because that's not what I'm talking about.
Don't get me wrong, you were made with such amazing care. Your skin, your body, you hair, and your smile...all of it. It's all just perfect. I'm not just talking about your physical being though, I'm talking about your heart and who you are deep down inside.
Your heart, your personality, and your beauty inside is what's most important.

I am reminded of this song that goes like this, "There could never be a more Beautiful You. Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops they (the world) makes you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do; so there could never be a more beautiful you!" - Jonny Diaz

I don't care if you weigh 85 pounds or 500, what matters is your heart.

The other day, as I was browsing the internet, I ran across this quote that says, "As long as one and one is two there could never be a father who loves his daughter (son) more than I love you.".

The way I read it is like God saying it to me. God is my, and your, heavenly father, and no one else ever will ever love us more than he loves each and everyone of us.

No matter who you are, what your size, what color your hair, or how many mistakes you've made in your life...Jesus, our father in heaven, loves you just as much and more today than he did yesterday and even before you made those mistakes, gained those extra 5 pounds, gotten a DUI, and so on.

What really matters is if you
BElieve in
YOUrself
 Be you. Believe in yourself.

A really good friend of mine is going through a hard time currently and one of the things he said was "I can't." Not only did he say it once but I'm sure he said it a good 5 to 6 times in the very same sentence.
My take on that is if you are looking at your past and your current circumstances and allowing them to be the judegement of who you believe you are, how you look at yourself, and what you are capable of, than that needs to change.
My pastor recently said, "If you believe you can't, you're absolutely right. You can't. But when you believe that you can...You bet you can! You could conquer the entire fricking world man!"

Another month, another year, another smile, another tear, another winter and another summer too but there could never be another you. So whatdya say? I'd say being you is the best you could do.

It's not a physical appearance or a problem based on your circumstances nearly as much as it's about your state of mind and especially your heart.

Where's you heart? Is it focused on God and who He sees you as? If not, you may want to re-examine yourself.

Best of wishes, love, and prayer,
The Girl Next Door

He's Got Your Back

I was recently discussing a serious matter with a friend of mine where both of us had very strong thoughts and feelings involved in the certain decision.

I asked a question that I only wanted to hear one answer to, and, of course, the answer that came forth was the answer exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear and it felt like it came too soon as I emotionally broke down.
The conclusion was something I had assumed would be, but I still teared up after doing my best to mentally and emotionally prepare myself beforehand.
I was sad, upset, and hurt too, but, at the same time, and even though, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, oddly enough, it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It seems weird, but what I wanted to hear ultimately came down to one thing: honesty...and that's exactly what I got.

With all of this being said, I want to give you one thing to take away from all of this.

My response to my friend, with my less than attractive dripping nose, tears streaming down my face, my throat closed tight, and my hands trembled in an effort to express the thoughts bottled up inside me, I calmly and confidently stated, "...through all of this, there is and lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

And that, my friends, is why I say to never regret anything. You can apologize or feel sorry for something, but to say you regret it is where you make the mistake. The reason I say that is no matter what it is that you could regret, you can also learn from.
There are so many things in life to be sad, hurt, angry, upset, and disappointed about but they all have one thing in common....opportunity. Yes, you heard me right. Remember my statement from earlier? I'll repeat it. "Through all of this, there is a lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

Next time someone or something, somewhere down the line, gives you something you don't want, take it and go with it! Whether it's a repercussion due to a bad decision, something didn't go as you planned, something happened (or didn't happen), or something is taking longer than you had hoped for, make sure to lighten up, relax, and go with the flow. Because, "Through all of this, there is a lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

Remember, just like you have once trusted your friend to catch you during a trust fall, God has got your back in the very same way. Allow him to work in his wondrous ways and be amazed! I guarantee that the next time you experience a moment of confusion, frustration, or hurt, and look up to God and just trust him, you will not regret it. It may take a while, but you will eventually reap the harvest and it will be plentiful of so much more amazing things than you ever thought possible.
 
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but, in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.

Lemons or Lemonade?

'

We all know the common saying, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.". Well, but there is also the same quote with a different ending, "If life gives you lemons, throw them back.". And, see...that's exactly where this world goes wrong.
Lemons, as you probably know, represent something in your life that is negative rather than positive. Something that doesn't go our way. It's when a person, situation, or life in general doesn't go the way you want it or expected it to have gone. It's a surprise, an unwelcome and often an unwanted surprise.
I think we, as people in general, often find us complaining, arguing, and simply getting wrapped up in the fact that something didn't go the way we wanted it to. Whether it's following behind someone going 45 in a 55 mph speed limit, an argument, running late to work, Caribou ran out of your favorite Latte mix, getting stopped at every red light possible, and I could go on. After so many things happen we can become frustrated, upset, or even angry. But we've got to remember that there are people that have it so so much worse. Someone out their is getting a divorce, losing their house to a fire, losing their lifelong dream, lost a family member or friend to death, struggling with addiction, someone's baby was lost to a miscarriage. And still yet, others are struggling with depression and waking up in the morning and choosing to live one more day takes every bit of strength they have.
But even then, complaining and ranting about how life is miserable isn't going to do any good unless you are willing to change whats going on.
Recently I heard someone say, "If you don't like life's current circumstances, change something. Because if everything stays the same exact way it is now, nothing will change. It won't."
It starts with you. It starts with the choice of attitude to change something.
that change of attitude starts with one big step. Its only one word, or acronym I should say. Ready? It's simple. Here it is. PUSH: Persist Until Something Happens.
Guys, just because life gives you lemons, don't give up.
In those times of hardship, those moments are sent your way and the devil WANTS you to fail. When the demons push (there's that word again) against you, you need to push back. Not just to prove him wrong, but to prove to yourself that you know you can beat life's tough circumstances. You can overcome and you will overcome, if you try, if you let it.
To sum this up, I'm going to end with Lauren Daigle's song "Trust in You". 
No matter what hardship comes your way, there is always something better planned for you in the long run. You just have to trust. It sounds simple but, yes, it can be difficult. Sometimes we just need to wait for God's hand to move. Just listen to what Lauren has to say. It's a good example of how to live and deal with your toughest circumstances.
Here's the link, Lauren Daigle - Trust in You


Nahum 1:7 “The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knows them that trust in him. ”

The Girl Next Door

No Dream is Too Big

Since a little girl I listened to a program that aired every evening at 6pm during the supper hour. This program, Adventures and Oddysey, spiked mine and my sibling excitement like no other thing. Better than any movie or video game we have played.
 Since a little girl I dreamed of being on the radio and having my voice heard. Being able to say what I want, be creative, be funny, and let my personality shine.
Well, fast forward to a few months ago, very unhappy with the current job I had, I began job searching and what do you know, the radio station located near by was hiring. With having no experience or education in the radio industry my doubts of getting in were big but I thought I would give it a try.
Nearly the moment I walk in, the gal who is in charge of hiring wanted to interview me on the spot. Interviewing me before my application was even given to me or filled out.
Shortly after, they offered me the job of being an on air announcer saying that even though I do not have the experience, I have both the voice and the personality that they have been looking for.

As I write this, I am thinking about how blessed I am here. I love it. Previous jobs I have been burnt out within a few months because I don't feel I can be myself simply because most places honestly don't care for personality and honestly don't like it when you have a mind of your own.
But as I write this, I am currently at the station with a little down time, I think about how blessed I am here with a job that I truly love.
My voice is heard, my personality is able to shine, and I am able to be myself. What else is better than that? Nothing...just about nothing.
Of all the years, I have wanted this kind of job, I can hardly believe that I now have it. Sometimes, I have no idea how except for one thing. Being a determined lady with a drive like no other and I'm not willing to give up for anything.
But that's exactly what Psalm 37:4 says. Seek the desires of your heart, and the lord will grant you them.
With that being said, know that no dream is too big of a dream. No desire is too irrational. If it is in Gods will, it will happen. It may take weeks, months, or even years, but if you seek, you will find. If you continue have patience and trust that God has your best interest in mind, things will happen in your favor. Keep up the strength, keep up the patience, and keep working for what you desire.

An Open Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,
I want to begin by saying you are one of the most important things in my life right now in my thoughts and prayers.
Some nights, I lay awake, not being able to sleep, and think of you. I wonder if we have met, if we talk, of if we have crossed eachother on the street or have made eye contact.
Some days, it drives me nuts that I don't know. Some days, it's frustrating. Afterall, I strive for the deep connection, a strong relationship, marriage, and a family of my own. And honestly, some days, I have cried to God about you.
When I think of you, I try my best to pray for you, for your safety, for your growth (spiritually and emotionally), for your health, and especially your relationship with God.
I pray that we are growing, not just physically, but spiritually too, as our father in heaven is preparing us for eachother.
But sometimes, it's difficult too. I'm praying for you, for someone who is nearly abstract. A thought in my head, a desire, someone I long for in my heart. But I know that God has put that desire on my heart for a reason. We may not know eachother now but what counts is who we are in the mean time and who we allow ourselves to become.
Dearest love, I know how life can be tough. I have had my fair share of struggles, and feel I have had to grow up quickly. But what is most important is how we deal with those difficulties. Try your best to make the best decisions that you can. Not just for you but for your future...our future.

In times of need, I pray that you are seeking God. For not just the difficult life decisions but for the simple too. Because throughout life, people will be in and out, people who were important to you a year ago may have no means go contact with you today. That's life. Thats what happens, we are human, we all change but no matter what, through all the chaos, the lights, the noise, the distractions, and the change, our father in heaven will always be there for you.
To sum it up, the most important thing that you, that we can both do for eachother is continue to strive for our relationship with God.
And most importantly, in the silent times, remember to seek God. In the painful times, remember to praise God. In the terrible times, Trust God. And at all times, thank God.
To my dearest future husband, I love you. ❤️
Sincerely, The Girl Next Door.

The Trees and I - We are Alike

Not many know this about me, but I, for one, love nature. When I still lived at home, whenever I became bored, had nothing to do, or was upset, I would go for a run down our country road. There is never a time that I felt closer to nature that God has created for me to look at.

When I look back on recent years, I can compare myself to a piece of nature known as trees.

When I look at trees it is as if they have an unforeseen strength. Somewhere, there's a hidden secret. Underneath the very ground I am running upon, they have sent their ferocious roots.

When I stop to look up, I realize how tell and how far they are growing but, hidden under where no one sees, they also grow down, grabbing the earth with every bit they have. It as if they have an anger but this is how they keep.

At first glance, trees don't seem powerful. Trees are, often times, overlooked and are under appreciated in the midst of the caose of the cars roaring by, the lights of the city, and the noise of the people passing by. 

Just like trees, God's force in me, hidden within, is more powerful and more beautiful than the naked eye can see. The power and the beauty of trees also coordinates with my next thought.

Trees seem to have this constant silent anger and the way they grow is an am example of the anger, the passion, that they have.

I, sometimes, have felt misplaced and alone, and by looking at those trees in another a different view, on another level, I can identify with these trees.

Trees are not literally angry as I have explained them to be but rather I have been able to implant my anger, my passion into trees. I want to, just like trees, to continue to grow bigger and taller and achieve goals and dreams despite my past and current circumstances. Even though trees cannot physically pick themselves up and move someplace else, trees continue to reach for something in hopes to discover who they really are...what they were truly meant for beyond their current circumstances.

From any and every tree, I take the little advice they have shown me to keep reaching for what I am looking for to find my dreams and live them with a passion. 

I can take a long deep look into trees and begin to realize that I and the trees are more like eachother that I had realized. At times, I have thought that I am the only one who is able to understand trees and trees are the only ones to understand me.

Emotionally connecting myself, I can find beauty of willpower and perseverance that trees show. 

From any and every tree, I take the little advice they have shown me to keep reaching for what I am looking for to find my dreams and live them with a passion. But most importantly, not to just grow upward but to grow deeper too. Meaning, my relationship with God is going to be what will allow me the knowledge (the nutrition) to grow upward and forward  to what God has planned for me.

Blessings in Disquise

As I sit here, I wonder where the time has gone by. I will be turning 20 in about 5 months and life, especially this past year, has moved by so quickly.
In this past year's time, I have traveled to Mexico, graduated Highschool, gone through my first dating relationship, had the honor of being in not one but two weddings, managed to total my car not once but TWICE in less than 6 weeks, moved out and got a place of my own, quit my part time job to get a full time job along side a part time job later on, joined TaeKwonDo and oh my... I am overwhelemed with everything that has happened.

That seems like a lot but honestly, that is just a tiny part of what has happened. In everything I just said, you only know the topic of what has happened but the details of what truly happened are still a mystery. And, by that, I mean to say that beneath all of those things, not only are there smiles, laughter, joy, and blessings, but there are also tears, moments of hopelessness, confusion, anger, and times I honestly didn't know where, why, or how I had gotten to the place of confusion to the point of doubting who I truly was...or rather "whose" I was.

Through all the change, many things happened including losing a few people I hought would be in my life forever that are no longer here. And in that, came anger, confusion, hurt, and a broken heart. But honestly, I believe God took them out of my life for a good reason. One of those reasons is the fact that to even be around those people, I couldn't be me. Over the period of a few months, I had thrown away everything that I truly loved and believed in, including my family and my relationship with God. At the time, I didn't see it or rather, I wasn't willing to because a certain person had my heart and I was willing to do anything for them. Looking back, I know that all my tears were a blessing in disguise. It was a growing opportunity....a lesson learned.
But that's the thing, I truly believe that the toughest moments in life are what makes us who we are.
Although life brings disappointment in the moment and hearts can be broken, that is nothing that God cannot heal.
It's been only a year, and in that short time, God has done some drastic work and I've grown a lot.

In Jeremiah 29:11, God speaks saying, "For I know the plans I for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm. Plans to give you a hope and a future."

With that being said, To sum it up, I mean to say to never allow what the devil uses to hurt you to scare you, because God will use those moments to prosper you.
Never compromise or question what God has planned for you. He brings situations and people in your life to stay a while, some fade out while others stay forever. Trust God in everything that you do. Take it from me, even when it doesn't seem like it, He knows what's up.