Sunday, April 22, 2018

Something Real

Your smile drew me in before I could blink.
You held my hand when I was scared.
You were patient, oh, so patient.
You didn’t wipe my tears, instead you cried too.
You were my best friend and soon you told me I was your future.

Because of you, I have hope a real man exists. Because of you, I realize how much I am worth. 
Because of you, I smile. 
Because of you, I thank God for us.

You take my hand and barrel roll as my dress twirls all night. 
Your smile and my smile is more than any happiness I’ve ever seen.
We try to do our best as God leads.
You shower me with kisses, we share our daily devotion notes, your smile brightens the room, and your jokes hurt my stomach as we laugh with no end.

It’s now the first day of Fall we had planned to spend together but you arrived completely distanced and different. 
You asked why I was crying. You told me You weren’t going anywhere but deep down I knew something had changed. That’s the day I knew it was all ending.
Only a week later those feelings became reality.
No explanation, no reason, no logic. Just done.

You were there, then you weren’t. You needed me, then you didn’t. You loved me, then not so much.

No time went by as your name became non-existent on social media and pictures of you and me became just a black screen.

Months later you came back around. You leaned your head on my shoulder, your coat covered me when I was cold, and you hugged me so tight as if you regretted ever letting me go. You told me you missed me and you’re so glad I’m by your side again.

Then it all happened again. You distance yourself and don’t reply as if you never cared about me.

Because of you, I’m skeptical of love. Because of you, my trust is broken. Because of you, it will take more than time itself to heal. Because of you, I doubt what Real is. 

Is Real something that lasts now and forever, or just for a while?

Don’t string me along. Don’t hurt me any longer. Your doings have hurt me more than any man on this earth. 

I hope you understand I just need to get these things off my aching chest. I’m letting go because I deserve more than to just sit and wait for this to come back. I deserve more than to continue sitting here in my tears and pain.  I’m upset that you ruined me. You treated me better than any man has ever treated me yet hurt me more than any person ever has. How can that be? 

I hope and plead to my God that these are my last tears over you. 

If I could say one thing to you, only one thing, I want you to know that all I ever want is an apology. A sincere apology for the tears you caused, the confusion for stringing me along, and for ever getting close to me when that isn’t what you were ready for, nor what you wanted. In the same breath, I will thank you for treating me well while you had me. I sincerely hope you find who you are as a person and can treat your next girl even better than you treated me but, also, unlike you did with me, never let her go because she deserves someone real forever, not just for a short time.

To sums this up, I’m going to end with a couple songs that, I admit, I have listened to on repeat for hours on end as it has allowed me relate my feelings, my confusion, my hurt, and everything else this heart of mine has yearned to express.

Jesus. This is all yours now. This pain, this confusion, these memories (good and bad), all of it is yours. Please do miracles and healing and work through me as I continue to move on. Amen.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

An Open Letter to My Ex-Boyfriend

Thanks to you, my ex, I now know what true love is. Not because you showed me but rather because you showed me exactly what it is not.

When my heart longed to be loved, you told me you were too busy. 
When I needed a hug, you shoved me away to finish your video game. 
When I needed to hear that someone loved me, you merely muttered the words with no meaning.
When I told you how my feelings hurt inside, you mocked me and laughed.  
When I smiled, you told me I was too happy.
When I giggled, you told me to be quiet.
When I told you you were everything to me, you took it as permission to control my every action.
When I needed encouragement, you told me I was fat and needed to go to the gym. 
When I wanted to say no, you brought me flowers and wrote me a cute note to convince me to say the opposite.
When I thought the words "you're beautiful" coming out of your mouth were from your heart, it was lustful.
When you invited me out, it's because you're other plans were canceled. 
You told me I was the only one in your life, but you had someone else of interest, and, in one instance, a fiance.
You told me you loved me when you don't even know what love is yourself. 
When you told me to have a goodnight, I fell asleep in tears.
When you hugged me, you didn't realize I was I crying on your shoulder because you caused my heart pain.
And, ultimately, when I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart.
Then, when I finally gained the strength to break up with you, you told me no other guy was ever going to love me because I was not lovable in my circumstance.
When I said, "God Bless", you cursed me and told me God is dead and to go to hell.
When I told you that we were never good for each other, you said "Whatever you say". You are so blinded you can't even tell truth apart from the lies that you are living.

You are manipulative selfish, conceited, controlling, lustful, and everything opposite of what you told me you were. 
And these are just a few instances how you showed me exactly what love is not.

I had to find out the hard way, the decisions I made from day one of talking to you were a mistake but it doesn't stop here on a bad note because you were a lesson, a reason, and a plan.

And what reason, plan, and lesson am I talking about?
Because I went through those things with you, I now know what actual love is. It's not a feeling but rather everything opposite. It is a CHOICE. 
My grandpa has always told me that you make decisions first than the feelings comes afterwards but never the other way around. If it is the other way around, you need to run and run as far away from it as you can.

In saying all this, though it may sound like it, I am NOT the victim. Why? Because I chose each day to involve myself with you. I could have run from day one but I didn't. I did in the end, but everyday leading up to that, I put myself through much more pain than I really needed to. 

I don't regret you simply because I learned things I probably wouldn't know if it weren't with you at some point. But, with that being said, I wish I could have learned those lessons without you ever having to be in my life. 
You were never good for me and I probably still wouldn't be over you, to this day, if it weren't for Jesus. 
Jesus has mended my heart, tied my soul back together, and kissed my wounds. He has performed a miracle on my heart and in my life.
Thank God for taking a bad situation and teaching me a lesson and using it to positively influence my life today.

Now, I have found God and, in doing so, I have also found happiness, and I have found true love. 
I hope that one day, you can find the same and that you allow God to make the necessary changes in your heart in order for you to find him, to find love, and to find true happiness.

 My Ex-Boyfriend, you all know you who are, I want you to know that I no longer think of you romantically,  I have no desire to be around you, and no longer want to have anything to do with you. If and when I do think about you, the only thing I can bring myself to do is pray. 
And, in saying that, I want to end this with a song that couldn't explain this any better. 

Farewell my ex's, farewell from today 'till forever.

                                         Kesha - Praying

[Verse 1]



[Verse 2]



Oh, sometimes I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you'll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

I hope you're somewhere prayin’, prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'
I hope your soul is changin', changin'
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin'

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

No Longer the Side Chick

I really don't know where to begin as there is a lot on my mind.

For one, I'm overwhelmed. No, I'm exhausted...I'm tired.

I'm tired of being tugged and pulled in every direction and my emotions consumed by those around me. I feel taken advantage of, not appreciated for who I am, belittled, and forgotten about.

At this point, I feel so many things that it seems I am emotionally shutting down.

It feels good one day, the next it hurts. Then the very next day, I am confused as to what I am feeling or rather what I should be feeling. I really don't know what I should be doing and if the things I do are effecting the way I am feeling. What could I potentially be doing to relief some of this confusion?

Should I wait? Should I put my entire life aside for them? Should I wait with no guarantee in the end that will make my time waiting all worth it? Time is ticking by and I don't want to waste my life away emotionally investing myself into someone I don't end up with in the end.

Ultimately, I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, canceled plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice.

To anyone in my life currently, it is because I WANT you to be. Not because I need you but rather because I love you, care about you, and, for the most part, because I feel you make my life better in some way or another.

I'm sad at the moment. I have been for a while now but I'm hoping that will change soon. I don't believe it will be too difficult to relief some of this stress but, at the same time, I also don't necessarily see an end to it anytime soon as I'm not completely sure of how to change it.

Recently, I've been processing my emotions - letting them settle in but now, I am venting and being real - letting my emotions come to the light and be seen.
   As I process what's going on, I've come to realize that by being the side chick, I've been putting myself front and center in someone else's pain and setting myself up to play a starring role in my own.

Coming to this realization, I have wondered if I'm the only one but I know I'm not because Jesus walked the earth as a man and had every single emotion there is to feel.
  To think of all the times, all the places he's been, and of all the things he did of the course of his time on earth....I cannot begin to imagine how many times he put in everything he had mentally, emotionally, physically, and whole heartedly and not recognized for it.

He's almighty, All Powerful, Magnificent, King of all Kings, Healer, and the Reason we are alive today, and yet, He is still rejected, cursed, belittled, shoved down, and taken advantage of each and every waking day.

In that simple thought, I know that I am not alone nor have I ever been alone. And neither are you.

With Jesus, my feelings of  "I don't want to be anyone's sideline, side chick, side friend, side plan, or fail safe. I don't want to be anyone's second choice" becomes something completely different.

With Jesus you will never be his sideline, his "side chick", his side friend, his side plan, or his fail safe. You will never be his second choice. Jesus is your best friend. Jesus is your number one and you, YES YOU,  are His number one.

Love and best wishes,

Monday, April 24, 2017

Nightmare Made Into Reality

    It was a dark night, not just dark skies but there was a spirit of darkness...or rather, fear.
I like to explain it as playing laser tag out in the woods. 
    It was dark, a little scary as I could hear the wind as it makes it sound by it's rustle of the trees. Each step I took there was a crunch beneath my feet and I slow my breathing trying to conceal it's sound in order to capture my prey.
     I giggled and slipped a screech as my friend came up behind me joining me in my hiding spot. I then take off running, with a skip of joy, as I spotted my opponent but, before I could hide, it happened.


Before I knew what was happening, I flew back as a gunshot hit me straight to the forehead.

Before I continue, I want to introduce this quote that explains everything.
"Nothing is as bad as it seems at the time nor is nothing as good as it seems." 

Okay, Back the story.

I really don't know how to explain it - It hurt like hell but yet I somehow managed the strength to get on my feet and walk to the nearest emergency kit. I walked in, pulled out the First Aid Kit, but for some reason instead of digging further, I was compelled to look in the mirror.

It...really wasn't THAT bad.

So, being as stubborn as I always have been, I take one last glance at it, wipe away my tears and continue on with my evening.

I'm spending my time with the ones I love. My family and a few certain coworkers who have become friends of mine.

Here I go, some call me crazy, others call me insane and yet others tell me I'm stupid for my choices.
That doesn't stop me though.

I hopped up and ran out of that house and continued on with my evening playing laser tag.

It was a dark night, not just dark skies but there was a spirit of darkness...or rather, fear.
I like to explain it as playing laser tag out in the woods. It was dark, a little scary as I could hear the wind as it makes it sound by it's rustle of the trees. Each step I took there was a crunch beneath my....

Sound Familiar? You're not tripping - just bear with me.

....feet and I slow my breathing trying to conceal it's sound in order to capture my prey.
I giggled and slipped a screech as my friend came up behind me joining me in my hiding spot.
I then take off running with a skip of happiness as I spotted my opponent but before I could hide then it happened.


Before I knew what was happening, I flew back as a gunshot hit me straight to the forehead.
I really don't know how to explain it - It hurt like hell - well, actually, not so much this time.
Although, I knew I was injured so I went inside to check out my injuries. This time, instead of the first aid kit, I went straight to the mirror.

I was still me. I had a hole in my head but that was it. I still had my sparkling eyes, my smile, the love that filled my heart, and best yet...I still had hope and strength,

It...really wasn't THAT bad. It actually hurt less this time because I knew that I had been through it once, now twice, and yet I am still okay!

You know what I did?

That's right, I got back up and did it again. You know why? When life closes a door, you don't give up, you keep on knocking!

Life is full of opportunities, lessons, and best yet, God's plan for me and my life! 

God isn't torturing you when he allows life to give you a "gunshot" to the head. It's more or less, a lesson to learn and to grow from, ultimately, allowing you to become you are meant to be.

Keep fighting. Don't give up.


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Conquering My Food Addiction

      Growing up, I don't think I knew it for myself being I was still a young kid yet, but I had a hardcore eating disorder.
From the earliest of my childhood memories I can remember, I loved food. No, I mean like, REALLY loved food.
I would have second helping every meal I could, I would have snacks throughout the day as well.
Then, when we were put to bed at night, I would stay awake until my parents went to bed and I could sneak into the pantry and grab some Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Cheez-Its, or any other snacks there were. I wouldn't just grab one either, I would grab a handful.

I was 10 years old and considered obese.


   Fast forward into the years, 20 years old, living on my own, and struggling more than ever.
Not just with food but with my health.

For 7 months, I have gone to the doctor anywhere from 2 times to 4 times a week. I have chronic nausea, chronic migraines, I am sick 24/7, along with rapid weight gain that no doctor could explain.

Well, one thing is for sure...I hate myself. When I look in the mirror, I hate everything I see. I have gained 40 pounds, 3 pant sizes, 2 shirt sizes, and my acne is out of control.
   There's so many times, I find myself eating when I'm not even hungry. Then getting up and dishing myself another over-portioned helping. I'm not hungry but it doesn't matter. I eat when I'm sad, angry, happy, depressed and all the in-between. Food is my answer to everything. Food is my comfort.
     Today is the day I decide this is not me nor who I want to be. I no longer want to look in the mirror and hate my image.

Food is my best friend but I'm 20 years old with a "friendly" addiction that is destroying me deep down inside.

   Fast forward two months to TODAY...

It's March 12th, 2017; 3 in the morning.

Two months ago, I changed my entire diet simply because I was fed up with my image.
I completely cut out Sugar and most Carbs. I am down 20 Pounds, a pant size, as well as a shirt size.
AND I NO LONGER HAVE HEALTH ISSUES!! I haven't seen the doctor even once since I began eating different and I have more energy than ever before. Not to mention - My eating disorder.....GONE.

I have CONQUERED not just one but several personal addictions as I have learned what it means to respect yourself, have self control, and know what you are worth!

     The last 2 months I have learned more about myself then I have in many years combined. I have learned how my relationship with food has held be back from so many thing throughout the years not to mention how rough it can be when you sweep your issues under the rug and ignore them.

Before you argue that I'm going to begin back at square one....This isn't a diet. a way of Life. Why? Because I am more confident than I have ever been! I now have control, I have hope, and i can see the progress I have made not just my physical health but with my whole being involving my emotions and my mentality as well.

I am going to wrap this up with a verse straight from the Word.
 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."m going to wrap this up with a quote straight from the Word."
For years, I tried many different diets, many different techniques, and even working out but until I really really wanted to change - nothing ever changed. Not until I had the WILL to do what it took to truly conquer everything that was going on inside of me and ripping it up from the roots of my insecurities.

I will forever give God the credit for the strength He has given me to conquer not just my eating disorder but all the other addictions in my past as well as addictions usually intertwine with eachother.

At this moment, I still have 30 pounds to go. As I plan to lose another 2-3 pant sizes and shirt size as well - Life is a work in progress.

This is my testimony.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Christmas: a Season of Tinsel, lights, and Glee....or is it?

  Today I imagine myself 12 years ago. I was 8 years old, a smile on my face, and not a care in the world as I pounce across the room and plop on the floor next to the Christmas tree.
I lie on the floor and look up at the circling as the ornaments and lights reflect off the walls, windows, and across the room. I take a breath of fresh air with a smile on my face as I hum along to the light chorus of Christmas music in the background.
My hand reaches for a reindeer striped gift-

wrapped box with a pretty bow to top it off. I shake it and I listen to the rustle and tussle it makes inside. I begin to imagine the numerous things it could be in that little head of mine. 
I loved Christmas, still do. Christmas is all tinsel and lights, music and glee, little Jesus, presents and cookies. Or is it?
That's what I used to believe, that's what I wish. But, unfortunately, for some individuals, couples, and families, Christmas is Everything BUT happy. 
Some have lost a loved one - some physically, others maybe mentally, emotionally or spiritually. 
Others struggle to pay their bills yet alone feel the pressure to buy a gift for those they love and care about the most. Yet others Christmas has always been a time of stress and I could name so many more instances this rings true.
The point is, be gentle this Christmas season. 
Say thank you to that cashier because she's been holding back her tears all day. 
Allow that man to go ahead of you in the checkout line, his wife just lost her job.
Give that crying little boy a smile, he hasn't slept in days as he pukes everything he eats.
Have patience with that student who seems like she doesn't care, things is, underneath that sweatshirt she's wearing, she has sliced herself as she struggles with depression and self harm.
And be gentle to the young gal, she's raising her kids alone as her boyfriend has been away for over a year as he serves in the military. 
Everyone has a story beneath that smile, frown, and tear.
Be gentle this Christmas season and most of all pray for those around you especially those you love.

To those struggling this Christmas season, hold on. You're not alone and we'll get through this together. <3

Friday, September 23, 2016

Believe In Yourself Not Your Circumstance

You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.
No, seriously, God made us the way he wants us to be and there could never be a more beautiful you.
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "You don't understand, I am overweight/underweight, and I'm nothing close to being a Hollister model or on the cover of a magazine." or so on.
Before you go on,...stop. Because that's not what I'm talking about.
Don't get me wrong, you were made with such amazing care. Your skin, your body, you hair, and your smile...all of it. It's all just perfect. I'm not just talking about your physical being though, I'm talking about your heart and who you are deep down inside.
Your heart, your personality, and your beauty inside is what's most important.

I am reminded of this song that goes like this, "There could never be a more Beautiful You. Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops they (the world) makes you jump through. You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do; so there could never be a more beautiful you!" - Jonny Diaz

I don't care if you weigh 85 pounds or 500, what matters is your heart.

The other day, as I was browsing the internet, I ran across this quote that says, "As long as one and one is two there could never be a father who loves his daughter (son) more than I love you.".

The way I read it is like God saying it to me. God is my, and your, heavenly father, and no one else ever will ever love us more than he loves each and everyone of us.

No matter who you are, what your size, what color your hair, or how many mistakes you've made in your life...Jesus, our father in heaven, loves you just as much and more today than he did yesterday and even before you made those mistakes, gained those extra 5 pounds, gotten a DUI, and so on.

What really matters is if you
BElieve in
 Be you. Believe in yourself.

A really good friend of mine is going through a hard time currently and one of the things he said was "I can't." Not only did he say it once but I'm sure he said it a good 5 to 6 times in the very same sentence.
My take on that is if you are looking at your past and your current circumstances and allowing them to be the judegement of who you believe you are, how you look at yourself, and what you are capable of, than that needs to change.
My pastor recently said, "If you believe you can't, you're absolutely right. You can't. But when you believe that you can...You bet you can! You could conquer the entire fricking world man!"

Another month, another year, another smile, another tear, another winter and another summer too but there could never be another you. So whatdya say? I'd say being you is the best you could do.

It's not a physical appearance or a problem based on your circumstances nearly as much as it's about your state of mind and especially your heart.

Where's you heart? Is it focused on God and who He sees you as? If not, you may want to re-examine yourself.

Best of wishes, love, and prayer,
The Girl Next Door

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I Am the Definition of Imperfection

I am not perfect.
Surprise! Well, to anyone who knows me, it's really not much of a surprise. I mean, I'm 5'4', carry a few extra pounds, and I defiantly don't have a model body by any stretch of the imagination.
I'm still a teen and am having to go to physical therapy.
I'm moved out, support myself, but I struggle to pay the bills and, when I do, I have little to no money left over.
I have such a small savings in my banking account some would hardly consider it a start.
I have two low paying jobs.
I haven't gone to college, don't go to college, and don't know when I will nor what I will go for, not to mention, how I will afford it when I do.
I struggle with trusting God. I dont always do as he says is right. I turn my back on him and do things my way.
I struggle with sin. Some more than others but when I struggle with this one particular sin, it effects my future and is currently effecting my present time of being.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. Which can be good but I am very trusting and sometimes naive, as some would say.
I feel strongly. I love much. And I am and all-in or a all-out kinda person. There's no in between.
I could go on and on but soon enough I would probably bored you to death.
But to be honest...I'm ashamed with myself. Not who I am now but who I used to be and how my decisions in the past are effecting me today and how they will effect my future.
Ilay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and I bawl as I cry out to God. I wish I didn't do those things...
But the point is, I am beyond perfect. No, seriously...literally, I mean that and can't stress it enough that I am not perfect and will never make it even remotely close to reach that standard.
There are days, such as today, where I lay my head in my hands that collect a puddle of tears as I bawl and wonder and ask God over and over and over if there's hope for me.
If I will ever achieve my dreams. If a man will ever think I will be worth the fight. If I will be able to not only have a family but have a job that will be able to support my family. If, one day, I will be able to pay my rent or my phone bill or buy groceries without having to budget every single thing to the last penny.

But guys...listen.
The one thing that needs to be remembered after this is all of a sudden and done with is that even though I, and you, am not perfect, Jesus thinks we are to die for. No matter whether anyone on this world will be willing to fight for me and you, there's one who has already won the battle for us. And that is Jesus.

No matter how low of a self-esteem you have about yourself (or high self-esteem for that matter) the one thing we all have in common is short-comings, sin, and imperfection.
I'm telling you straight up, whether you one of my family members, friends, acquaintances, a future friend or family member, or a complete stranger...the one thing, and only, I know for sure that I have to offer is Jesus. My heart for Jesus is beyond measuring. And that, my friends, is my only hope in what will get me through every circumstance this world has to offer.

If nothing else, leave on this note from His word itself:
2nd Corinthians 12:9 states: "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me"

I say this with tears rolling down my face.....Jesus loves me. It seems so simple but it's so beyond anything a person could understand.
All of these imperfections and sin and all of my weakness and, yet, Jesus has chosen to love me through the thick and thin.

Jesus, needs to be our first love and our forever love. And, until that happens, you will never realize how special you truly are nor will you be able to offer what you were truly made for. No one will ever be able to replace Jesus. Not family, and especially a boyfriend or girlfriend. Afterall, if Jesus is the definition of love and you don't know him nor that you are perfect and loved in Jesus's eyes, how could you ever love the same?

Think about that.
Singing out for now.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

He's Got Your Back

I was recently discussing a serious matter with a friend of mine where both of us had very strong thoughts and feelings involved in the certain decision.

I asked a question that I only wanted to hear one answer to, and, of course, the answer that came forth was the answer exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear and it felt like it came too soon as I emotionally broke down.
The conclusion was something I had assumed would be, but I still teared up after doing my best to mentally and emotionally prepare myself beforehand.
I was sad, upset, and hurt too, but, at the same time, and even though, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, oddly enough, it was exactly what I wanted to hear. It seems weird, but what I wanted to hear ultimately came down to one thing: honesty...and that's exactly what I got.

With all of this being said, I want to give you one thing to take away from all of this.

My response to my friend, with my less than attractive dripping nose, tears streaming down my face, my throat closed tight, and my hands trembled in an effort to express the thoughts bottled up inside me, I calmly and confidently stated, "...through all of this, there is and lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

And that, my friends, is why I say to never regret anything. You can apologize or feel sorry for something, but to say you regret it is where you make the mistake. The reason I say that is no matter what it is that you could regret, you can also learn from.
There are so many things in life to be sad, hurt, angry, upset, and disappointed about but they all have one thing in common....opportunity. Yes, you heard me right. Remember my statement from earlier? I'll repeat it. "Through all of this, there is a lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

Next time someone or something, somewhere down the line, gives you something you don't want, take it and go with it! Whether it's a repercussion due to a bad decision, something didn't go as you planned, something happened (or didn't happen), or something is taking longer than you had hoped for, make sure to lighten up, relax, and go with the flow. Because, "Through all of this, there is a lesson, a reason, and a plan.".

Remember, just like you have once trusted your friend to catch you during a trust fall, God has got your back in the very same way. Allow him to work in his wondrous ways and be amazed! I guarantee that the next time you experience a moment of confusion, frustration, or hurt, and look up to God and just trust him, you will not regret it. It may take a while, but you will eventually reap the harvest and it will be plentiful of so much more amazing things than you ever thought possible.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but, in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Another Door is Closing or Rather....Opening

Since the age of 9 I was convinced God was leading me in the direction to pursue serving in children's ministry as a pastor but life threw a curve ball at me once I graduated.
I had a boyfriend with a daughter of his own. The relationship taught me so much in the way that i realized I could love a little girl that wasn't my own blood just like she was mine. But one thing that the relationship taught me, as I sat in the grass with my lover at the time, I looked across the yard and watching the little girl smile and laugh and have the time of her life as she jumped through the sprinkler...right then and there was when it dawned on me that all these years of my love for children, and me seeking internship as a children's pastor was all meant to show me that the purpose of my big heart is that one day I will be married, a wife and a mother with a family and children to call my own.

 The Lord revealed to me that very day that I will be the greatest mother not just because of all that he has led me through interning as a children's pastor, but of all that I allowed the Lord to lead me through also. My willingness to follow my dream, or that longing the lord had placed in my heart was all to discover who I was and who he created me to be....a mother.

Fast forward to 8 months ago, after the crazy summer, moving out, getting a full time job, supporting my self...I took an aptitude test that revealed I would be an amazing On-Air Radio Personality.
So, in my search of what I was made to do as a career...I applied at the local radio station here in town. The very next day, I landed a job as an on air personality.
For the past 7 months...I loved every single day that I have been at the radio station.
I can be silly, I can be serious, or I can be sad. It all comes out as I voice the news stories that air over the radio.
I can be me. I love that. But the last month or two I have been unhappy in the way that I want to do more. I wanted to be cross trained, learn more, and become experienced.
I wanted my voice to be heard by thousands. I wanted to be FAMOUS. So much so, that I applied at 5 different stations in the cities.

I spent hours upon hours upon days and weeks researching, writing up my resume, cover letter, and request of internships and after a long time of work, I sent my requests in and applied.
I waited a couple week then began calling the stations just checking up on the process of my application. I left messages with my name and number and still, almost 2 months later, I haven't heard one word from any one of the stations.
I also called Focus on the Family, who airs programs on their Christian station such as a theatre ministry program called Adventures in Odyssey.  It has been my childhood dream to be featured on as the voice of one of the characters. Well, news is that I would not only have to move California but I have to be a member of Americas association of Telivision and Radio Bradcasters as well as also be a part of their Union, be involved in Theatre and also be mentored. As soon I got off the phone with them, I looked up towards the sky, and thought, "well, Lord...that's not gonna happen. Not gonna happen."
hm...I don't know about you but after lots of thought and seems like God has closed the door on this opportunity, all of it.
Not only that, but to truely pursue the Radio broadcasting business, you have to be willing to move cities and states not just once but multiple times through out your career.
As I travel hours to the cities, on a fairly regular basis, to visit my friends and family, I realize how much I hate the cities.
The traffic, the rush, the smoke, the haze, the tall buildings, and all the lights that cover God's beautiful nature. There's hardly a tree in site and at dark, you cannot see shooting stars, the moon, or the stars. There's not much that saddens me more than not being able to admire God's creation.

I grew up and was raised as a country gal...and truly, honestly, I think that's how I will always be.
Yes, it's nice living in town close to a Walmart, a Cashwise, and a Tacobell down the street but truly I don't need any of that.
And also going with the radio life, I hate walking down the street here in town and people recognizing my voice and freaking out because I'm "famous".
You ever wonder why all these celebrities commit suicides? I do. Their want and desire to be normal will never happen. They can't even go shopping for their own groceries or go through the drive through for a cup of coffee without being recognized. They want to be normal...I want to be normal.
The cities, the famous life....that lifestyle is most likely not happening with this girl.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against moving by any means, and I HIGHLY doubt the small town I'm in at the moment is going to be my forever town where will raise a family. I am willing to move a city or state but I'm looking to settle down, get married, and have a family of my own.
So, with that being said, continuously moving for a career and to be known as some famous celebrity is not my cup 'o' tea.
I am not going to change who I am, my opinions, or where my heart truly is simply for a career that I've thought would be cool to be famous and well known.

Here's the scoop: Every one has a childhood dream...and it just so happened I was blessed by the opportunity to live mine out for the last 7 months only for God to install in me that some dreams are meant to stay dreams.

God blessed me with an amazing opportunity, at the age of 9, to be mentored with a world-known Class act in children's ministry only for me to learn that my big heart for kids is because one day that heart will be used for my own kids someday.
I have also had the amazing opportunity to work at the local radio station and be heard by hundreds only for God to reveal to me that my desire to be famous is not all that it's cut out to be.
Besides, I'm famous in God's eyes. What more could anyone ever want?

All these "misfires", as I could imagine my friend, Jax, would say, are not meant to be looked at as mistakes but rather opportunities. Opportunities to learn, to grow, and to serve God in the best way that you can.
I'm not gonna lie, I've wanted to cry the past few days but at the same time, I try my best to think of it in the way that God put these opportunities in my life to teach me a lesson rather than to give me a lifetime career or my childhood dream. It's all a gift. It's all meant to be and it all plays a role in who I am becoming.

So, with that being said, when life throws a curve ball at you...well, go with the flow. Don't try to open a door that God has already closed. Besides....he's got a WAY better plan for you. Don't sit here and grieve over the closed door but rather when you find that open door...rejoice! For God has big plans!